People with Bad Teeth


Queen Elizabeth I of England was notoriously afraid of dentists. Who could blame her?

I’ve come to realize that I belong to a very exclusive and special, though unofficial, club: people with bad teeth.

At first, I was not pleased to hear the news. I’d gone through life thinking my teeth were doing rather well. They are not crooked or deformed and are rather more straight than most people’s. However, a dentist recently informed me that I have not one but two cavities!

At first this caused me much existential angst. Compounded with the news of the demise of Angelina Jolie’s breasts, this drove me to thoughts of the futility of life. With each passing moment, more and more of these parts of our body that make us beautiful tend to fall into disrepair and can only be fixed or replaced by very highly paid professionals.

But soon I tired of this negative thinking, because after all, any of these parts are theoretically replaceable, and even if they’re not, so many people do just fine without. We are still the same individual, and though we may lose teeth or breasts along the way, we never lose what is truly important — I’m talking, of course, about my beautiful hair.

To further cheer myself up I compiled this list of groups and individuals who have been particularly prone to dental issues:

1. Ancient Egyptians

2. Pirates

3. Queen Elizabeth I 

4. Shane McGowan (singer of The Pogues)

5. Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (breed of dog with a swashbuckling name)

This is just a young McGowan with not-so-bad teeth. The current reality is much, much worse. Look it up if you dare.

This is just a young McGowan with not-so-bad teeth. The current reality is much, much worse. Look it up if you dare.

It would have been nice to include medieval knights, but surprisingly, people living in the Middle Ages didn’t suffer from particularly bad teeth. It seems they ate a healthy diet that didn’t contain any refined sugar.

But even without knights, it’s still a formidable list. Pirates are very cool, as are ancient egyptians. The Cavalier King Charles is a very noble breed. Shane McGowan is an amazing poet and singer. And it turns out, even Queen Elizabeth was known to scribble a verse or two once in a while.

The conclusion is clear: all of us great poets and other noble creatures are much too busy to take care of our teeth when we have better things to do, such as compose immortal verses. This is why I will accept the idea that imperfection is the heart of beauty, that bad teeth are a sign of talent, and I shall wear my cavities as a badge of honour (until one day I find a few moments in my busy life as a talented author to get them fixed).


2 thoughts on “People with Bad Teeth

  1. Thanks for the chuckle! I must be REALLY TALENTED because I am losing body part left, right and centre! And did you have to gloat about beautiful hair Sonya?


  2. Yes, those medieval knights didn’t have much in the way of sugar, but they probably didn’t smell all that good. Even though they did wash quite a bit more than most people think (especially hand-washing), it was still a lot less than modern habits.

    Funny post!

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